I'm certainly not picking fun at Star Trek, this is here for just for a bit of fun. It contains a number of things I gathered up quite a while ago, like the fleet listing information. They're mainly humorous extracts from various sources I compiled for Trek fanzines and so forth. These are basically of my own creation, and have not been taken from other people's work. But the 'Chicken Crossing The Road' (below) thing is quite common on Trek sites, as it goes back some years, and I myself wrote a list for this, for I think it's a nice concept.
The Question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" was posed to those from the Star Trek Universe.......
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TUVOK: The question is
irrelevant, and of no consequence to me. O'BRIEN: Hmm, I dunno, I'd hahf to give it some
thaht... PULASKI: No, I'm
sorry, whatever the reason for crossing is, it just has no chance of
negotiating its way across the road safely. It just hasn't got the
ability to tap into the unique human perspective. McCOY: For God's sakes. Now the man's talking about chickens! THE BORG: Chickens
are irrelevant, crossing is futile. DUKAT: Hmmm, I'm sure there is a point to all this Commander,
and if there is...it has eluded me.... PICARD: ......Conference. GARAK:
Why, that is a fascinating question. Fortunately I still have
a number of friends and former associates on Cardassia... Of course it shan't be an easy task
to get an answer out of Central Command, but I shall endeavour to make
some subtle enquires. NOMAD: Does not
compute, does not compute. |
We've pretty much all heard about some of the Star Trek scripts that didn't make it to the screen, such as the proposed 5th season horror 'IQ Test' (TNG), but what about the others that didn't make it. Would these have been hits, or misses?
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Tuvok, on the realisation that he hasn't had sex for seven years suddenly goes completely mad on the bridge. He insanely runs into the turbo lift, rides to the mess hall where he sprints up to Neelix, and kills him horribly with various martial art techniques -offering no explanation. |
| Projected
Title: Amok Tuvok
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| After Quark is forced to shut his bar after a vole infestation, Morn, in a sudden panic steals a runabout and goes on a bold adventure into the unknown in a desperate attempt to find another alcoholic establishment. |
| Projected
Title: Where No Morn Has Gone Before
|
| A lost survivor of the Tribble species is discovered on the Station to the utter horror and dismay of Worf. With the Tribble on the run, he immediately assembles a fearless and blood thirsty hunting party with Martok and two other Klingon warriors. They set off in the Defiant on an heroic expedition to slay the abominable creature. |
| Projected Title: The
Tribble With Troubles
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| After various maintenance checks and stringent analysis and diagnostic routines, all aboard Voyager realise to their astonishment that the ship is just dandy in all areas. There's no problem with the engines, the replicators and the holodecks will run smootly for months without the worry of breakdown, instability or sudden character sentience. |
|
Projected Title: Starship
Fine
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| Having admitted to being naturally attracted to men with no hair, Guinan finally comes out and admits her undying love for Picard. But, as their coutrship commences, Vash appears onboard, and a savage and bitter love triangle ensues.... |
|
Projected Title: Favour
The Bald
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| The crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise, upon completion of their 7 year voyage, find themselves encountering another Galaxy class ship, and crewed by exact duplicates of themselves. Upon establishing contact, and discovering their doppelgangers are the opposite of themselves, in sex as well as actions, they realise that this is yet another one of Q's jokes, and discover that this is his birthday gift to Captain Picard. |
| Projected Title: Deja View To A Thrill |
| Submitted by John Wallace, thanks John |
| Do you have any more humourous suggestions you'd like to submit? |
| Please send your entries via email |
What would it be like on Starfleet's most boring ship? What it be like if you didn't ever run into the Borg, the Cardassians, the Romulans, or any brand new races etc. What if you never got to go on an interesting mission ever? It can't be all photon torpedoes and exciting new discoveries for most of Starfleet's personnel. So what would an average week be like?
MONDAY
The ship's crew stumble across the relics of an ancient alien probe of unknown origin. On closer inspection, the engineers are surprised to discover that there is nothing abnormal about it; that although barely operational does conform to all known and expected parameters.
TUESDAY
The Bridge receives a garbled message from a distant outpost where a group of fringe scientists are conducting experiments on some outlandish scientific theory. After racing to the distant laboratory at high warp, they discover that the supposed 'distress call' was nothing more than a simple status report that had been corrupted due to subspace fluctuations, and that all the scientists, and their families were completely fine, and mentally stable.
WEDNESDAY
Paranoia seems to be sweeping the ship as one of the Bridge crew seems to be acting very strangely and most untoward. Word is that he may have been taken over by aliens, or that he's a replicant imposter. All are at their guard, and all stations are operating at yellow alert, until that is a security team on searching the officer's quarters for clues find an array of mostly harmless marijuana joints stuffed behind the sonic shower.
THURSDAY
All onboard fear for the worst when the ship is sucked into a temporal rift and back through time. When the crew get to their feet, and Bridge officers begin a series of temporal computations to calculate the era into which they've been flung. After bracing themselves they discover the final estimated figure suggested a time jump of only 8 minutes back in time. Ship chronometers were recalibrated to compensate....
FRIDAY
After holodeck 3 experiences some potentially catastrophic technical difficulties, several crew members and their children are trapped in the matrix in a hazardous simulation where a number a Flotter characters have turned horribly against them in the Forest of Forever. In a bitter struggle to survive, they manage to hold out for a few worrying seconds until engineers successfully, and without incident shut the simulation down and prize the holodeck doors open for them to safely escape.
SATURDAY
On the discovery that there may be a lethal unknown disease of alien origin sweeping the ship, quarantine fields are put in place from deck to deck in a desperate attempt to contain the contamination. About twenty minutes into the life and death struggle to treat the infected in sickbay, the ship's doctor manages to locate an already existing cure in the medical database, and all are returned to normal within the hour.
SUNDAY
To ease the undying tedium of life aboard ship, the Bridge officers arrange a tri-dimensional chess match in the mess hall. But as the tournament gets underway, an emergency message comes in from Starfleet stating a Borg incursion has been detected, prompting a fleet-wide red alert. Just before the Captain lays in the heading to intercept the cube, word comes through that there are indeed some other, closer ships within the area that can handle the emergency instead.
