THE NOT SO GOOD.....

This section deals with the least enthralling moments in Star Trek that have hit our screens over the last 15 years since TNG began. Don't get me wrong, I'm not out to attack Trek in any way, I love the show, and the best moments will by far outweigh and outnumber the not so good moments. But let's take a look at these howlers anyway.

I think there are two main under-lying factors that can contribute to making a bad episode of Star Trek really bad. I think the first is when Star Trek fails to basically be Star Trek, diverting too far from the original vision and concepts, ie, something that ends up being way over the top and far removed from reality (even Trek reality), -the likes of 'Threshold' comes to mind-, and the second factor, I'm sorry to say, has to be the excessive use of kids. What solid Trekker sat down and watched 'Imaginary Friend' and enjoyed it as a good installment of the Star Trek Universe?, or that God awful 'Once Upon A Time' nonsense? This kind of material does not belong on Star Trek. This is a serious, quality science fiction show, yes aimed at all ages, but it's not Nickelodeon. The show's appeal is universal, this is because it's so entertaining and alluring, and it carries a high allegorical content, dealing with every issue imaginable, even controversial and difficult ones, from suicide (Eye of The Beholder), to quasi child-abuse (Suddenly Human). As well as regular character studies there's also some wonderful ethical debates explored also, which inform and teach us. So it's not simply the hard core sci-fi (Cause And Effect), it goes way beyond that to 'strange new worlds', both literal and metaphorical. But sometimes, like with all winning formulas Star Trek does occasionally fall over...

But it takes something unique to make an episode great, and something equally unique to make it awful. Between the bad and the great come the stable, reliable and moderate episodes...

If we imagine a dart board as the targeting structure we can visualise and measure the performances of individual episodes. When it fails to hit the mark it can do one of two things: Its aim and trajectory can be awry of the target but still be accepted as an okay Trek episode, and although not totally memorable, will still get a five or six out of ten rating. Such par for the course episodes may include, from the top of my head, the likes of TNGs 'Realm of Fear', or DS9s 'Shakaar' and so forth. The second thing that can happen is the flight path can miss the board entirely going horribly astray, and out the door of the pub. Star Trek, and its writers and producers are quality, there's no doubt about that, so real clunkers whose shot is this wide of the mark are very rare I'm thankful to say. I believe out of all Trek so far, only three episodes have this notoriety, 'Spock's Brain', 'Threshold', and the clip show 'Shades of Grey' being the chief offenders. The others on the list below are pretty awful but merely hit the outer ring of the board. To see bull's-eye episodes, see The Best Of Trek - The Top 50 Episodes of All Time. So now lets explore where the episodes at the wrong end of the scale, go so terribly wrong.

I have not included TOS in this scheme, as the standard of today's Star Trek, and the budget available to them, is in many ways measured quite differently...

The Most Worst And Cursed....

Warp 10 is impossible. But wait a moment, here comes Tom Paris with his hotrod shuttle, and breaks the Warp 10 barrier, whereby he, and the captain metamorphosis into salamanders....

No, I'm not kidding the plot really was that, I didn't just think of the first inane thing that came into my head whilst in a state of delirium. This was a real bona fide Trek episode, which ended up being utterly hideous. Yes, Warp 10 cannot be attained, it has been firmly stated, and many times alluded to. Somehow though, with the help of some 'magical' dilithium Tom Paris (a pilot not a warp scientist) discovers the holy grail of warp science - from conception, to simulation, to final end result in just a few insane episodic minutes, and so, with his trusty short range shuttle smashes the Warp 10 barrier, horrah, and 'evolves' into a ground hugging amphibian. In the wildest throes of inebriation I couldn't have come up with anything more ludicrous or derivative of the worst of B-movie schlock. If that's hyper-evolution at work, and represents the pinnacle of mankind's path of evolution, then we might as well not bother! The major flaw is of course that this Warp 10 speed is simply a mythical value, and not a velocity at all. The Warp Scale has a curve of increasing exponential increments after Warp 9, ie, Warp 9.9, Warp 9.99, Warp 9.999 etc. For instance Warp 9.9999 is 65 times faster than Warp 9.9. It's just an ever increasing curve with greater and greater values going on for ever like calculations of pi. Warp 10 cannot be reached and does not figure as an actual Warp value on the scale, as it's properties have no meaning in regards to propulsion speed. There was a calculation for instance, that when the Enterprise-D travelled millions of light years to another galaxy under influence of the Traveller in 'Where No-one Has Gone Before' it was in fact going at a velocity approximate to Warp 9.9999999996, which is probably hundreds of thousands of light years per second. But not Warp 10, as it is not a velocity, it is the theoretical state of omnipresence, akin to Godhood. Oh, but Tom Paris did it in a short range shuttle and became a lizard... This horrific inconsistency of canon offends the very essence of the Star Trek mythos (like ST V). And unfortunately this inconsistency doesn't involve some throw away line that we could potentially disregard or explain away, no, this nonsense was the driving force behind the story. All of this episode, from start to finish, is just dreadful, and indeed, offensive to the hardcore fans. Please TPTB, de-canonise this monstrosity now!!!

On planet Surata IV Riker gets bitten by a bug and is floored by the resulting virus. Whilst fighting the infection under the care of Doctor Pulaski, and Troi by his side for moral support, he undergoes a multitude of visions and flashbacks which aid his recovery.

Number two on the list is nothing like 'Threshold' at number one. 'Shades of Gray' was not an insult of impossible garbage, it was just simply annoying and boring. Basically - I HATE CLIP SHOWS!!

Anyone who doesn't know, the writing staff of The Next Generation went on union strikes during the show's second season, causing it to end early, and also caused several creative problems behind the scenes. The resulting end of season clip show was one upshot of the crisis. Soon afterwards Head Writer Maurice Hurley quit and returned to Universal. But with new writers Tracy Tormé and Melinda Snodgrass, the future was looking bright. Anyway, this episode is basically one huge cop-out. Everyone hates clip shows, and this weak, money saving effort capitalises on scenes from the first two seasons for the majority of the episode's footage. It was only shot in three days, and was, as well as a result of dry inspiration, a budget trimming exercise as a favour to Paramount who'd been kind and given them extra money and time to shoot 'Elementary, Dear Data', and 'Q Who' earlier in the season. Although production values were as high as they could be given the very bland and limiting storyline, it is very poor, and should be left on the shelf and not bothered with.

It was strange that Riker only relived the previous two years. The guy was in his thirties and one would think he'd have plenty to 'flashback' about. But that wouldn't be a 'clip show' though would it ;o)

The imaginary friend of young girl Clara Sutter turns out to be anything but an innocent, pretend play pal, for, while being powered by the ship's energy supply the entity soon wreaks havoc on for all the Enterprise...

This is another of those episodes whose dusty section on the video tape will not be seeing VCR playback heads for a long time, if ever. This kind of material belongs to Saturday morning cartoon format for young children to enjoy, ie where a girl's mysterious invisible playmate causes all sorts of magical mayhem and mischief... But in the world of Star Trek? NO. NO, NO, NO, NOOOO!! Some people will call me obtuse and inflexible. I'm not. This kind of thing would be great in 'Sabrina The Teenage Witch' or something, but please God not Star Trek!!! But there is one redeeming factor to this episode: a highly auspicious set of circumstances came into play which commissioned this episode ahead of the planned Q episode for this season, which would have been an all time stinker if it had gone ahead. Luckily it was pulled, and this episode took it's place after some heavy re-writing by Braga...

This season's Q episode was going to be called 'IQ Test', which involved Q, and another Q companion placing a wager on who was the superior and strongest race -the Human's, or the other race (the Talarians were one possibility that was talked about). To determine this, both races were forced into competing in a kind of interstellar Olympics, the losing race; the entire race would be annihilated. So far so good, and our Q wagered the Humans to be victorious. Amongst the tests thrown at the crews was a boxing match between Picard and the arrogant, taunting alien Captain. Next came a poker game between the Captains, with the Enterprise crew reduced to poker chips (!); the chips portraying a kind of holographic, pained, and slightly moving face compacted on the service. So Picard is literally forced to gamble with his crew's lives. Round three would have involved a shuttle race through a treacherous asteroid belt without the use of traditional controls. Q, obviously wanting the Humans to triumph, and for him to win the bet, drops hints and helpful pointers throughout, suggesting they need to 'surf' through as if surfing a wave. This is done by Picard and Riker at the helm of the shuttle standing up and mimicking a surfing position. When Picard and co. selflessly aid the aliens in their efforts during the race by passing on this important tip the aliens eventually win, much to Q's fury. At this point, the alien race have nearly three times as many points. The fourth and worse test (for us!) involves both crews participating in a quiz on a glittering game show set, which is actually the Enterprise bridge. Scoring equal points throughout, the final, and horrifying moment would have surrounded the tie breaker question. And I summarise from the script: Q, as quiz master asks them to 'name that theme tune' from the popular 20th century television show. Everyone listens intently, -and as the theme tune begins it turns out to be the theme music from the original Star Trek series. The alien race haven't a clue. Picard, after some thought hits his buzzer and says it was 'Bonanza'. Q happily says "close enough, it was a classic from the same century," and declares Picard the winner. (such a painful paradox would have shaken the fan world to its foundations!!) The final round involves a 'duel to the death competition' between the Captains on some desert planet, and near the end, just as Picard is about to receive the terminal thrust from the alien's weapon, the alien stops, refusing to kill Picard, stating that he is a noble warrior, from which he has learned much in the way of honour, and in ethical and tender human ways, and that Picard must live!! Q's elated, Q-2 is devastated, both races end up having the obligatory mutual admiration society scene, and all is hunky dory. The end.

Thank God that wasn't made. It may have been fun if some of the 'camper' moments were played down, especially the quiz show horror, and this was Piller's reflections in retrospect. But at the time, after much tinkering by the writing staff, everyone loved it on delivery, all the staff, including Rick Berman, but Michael Piller despised it. He said, and I quote, "it was not the kind of show I wanted to do". It's certainly a relief he didn't, and indeed the rumours flying around that Arnold Schwarzenegger was set to play the role of the alien Captain were true. He would have done it, had the episode gotten the green light.....

After a transporter accident beaming off a shuttle, Picard, Ro, Keiko, and Guinan are transformed into children, though their adult minds and personalities are retained. Things are complicated when the Enterprise faces a crisis involving renegade Ferengi who attempt to take over the ship.

Yes, another kid show, following up from the 'season of the kids' (which was season 5, with the likes of 'Imaginary Friend', 'New Ground', Cost Of Living', 'Disaster', and 'Hero Worship'). With 'Rascals' there are many things wrong, first and foremost the inadequate performance of David Tristin Birkin, (the young Picard) who appeared hopelessly out of depth in a primary role in a major television series. One had to decide whether he did in fact have any real acting ability and experience. His lines were wooden; emotive expression was flat and forced, and overall, the portrayal of the young Captain was nauseatingly poor and unconvincing, I'm sorry to say. I've no doubt Birkin did the best job he could in such a tough role with such a high degree of pressure to be 'accepted and approved', but one would think they could have cast better. Secondly, the transporter accident itself was nuts, totally implausible (even someone like me who his reasonably keyed up on techno-babble). It and was just contrived nonsense to get them to turn into kids in order to tell this dumb story. I do have to say the other child actors were good and very convincing, particularly Megan Parlen playing the young Ro. Isis Jones who's played Whoopi Goldberg's childhood character in Sister Act gets to do it again here, and whose performance was similarly commendable. But the whole episode was awkward and unwatchable, and who didn't grate their teeth in annoyance at how easily these Ferengi numbskulls overpowered the Federation Flagship?!

We never got to see the young Bajoran Ro Laren return to her adult state at the end of the episode, and can you believe that behind the scenes there were suggestions that Ro may have continued in the series as a child! Jeri Taylor was up for it, but the idea was ultimately rejected, thank God (or the Prophets)!

This saw Adam Nimoy's (son of Leonard) directing debut. One can only imagine how difficult it was for a complete rookie to direct such a child orientated episode.

The Enterprise becomes sentient and self aware, and manifestations of various ship functions appear in a series of bizarre settings on the holodeck, as well as a strange lifeform growing in one of the cargo bays. All onboard are put at danger, however, when the ship heads for a nearby white dwarf for it to feed on vertion particles.

Yuck, is all I can say about this episode. One doesn't have to strain their minds to figure out that this is Brannon Braga territory. When this guy's good, he's very good, when he's bad he's very bad, and very confusing, as with this dross. I say dross, as it comes across as very dull. But really the idea is terrific and very imaginative and high concept, but perhaps too esoteric for a prime-time mainstream sci-fi show. But it may indeed gather popularity in time. Though I must praise the quality of sets and props, and the high production quality of this difficult hour to create. I understand they used the train car from Bram Stoker's Dracula for this, the renting of which was a big saver of money as they had planned to build and design one from scratch. If one analyses certain elements form this episode closely, one can distinguish certain similarities in some respects to this season's rich, and mythically fascinating 'Masks' which was unfortunately turned out to be equally dull as hell, but similarly ingenious in scope, and given more time, perhaps as a two parter, with even an actual visit to this ancient alien culture complete with outdoor locations et al, it could have been cool -a very grand undertaking, granted. As it was, 'Masks' fell over, and in fact wasn't far off from this 'bottom ten' list itself. And as for 'Emergence', I don't think the world is quite ready for some of Braga's ideas, as incredible (and incredulous) as some of them are.

Encouraged by Okona's clowning around Data attempts to quantify the meaning and importance of humour by way of the holodeck. Meanwhile there are problems for Picard to deal with as Okona is in serious trouble, as he's a wanted man on more than one world....

This was meant to be a stab at Trek comedy, something very difficult to pull off. When Trek tries to be funny it just isn't, when the whole concept is played down a little and is delivered naturally it can be wonderful and very charming (the Kirk, McCoy, Spock trio). There's been plenty of good fun and laughs in Trek over the years though, but actual 'comedy episodes' don't seem to work (except for Voyager's 'Tinker, Tailor, Doctor, Spy' which was a first.) Here though, the episode is basically doomed, as it isn't funny. The script isn't funny, guest star and Saturday Night Live comedian Joe Piscopo isn't funny and the whole thing falls on it's ass. In fact, Joe Piscopo's role was meant to have been played by Jerry Lewis, that may well have saved this tedious and disappointing episode, if just a little. As it was, other commitments ruled out his appearance. On the whole, it's an uninteresting and disjointed hour with very little to redeem it, in fact I can think of nothing at the top of my head that does. But, I suppose you can't expect a winner every week....

This episode saw a homage to TOS's 'tri-dimensional', multi-platformed chess set. The 'Lost in Space' vessel Jupiter II were bishops, and the Robot was modelled as the Kings.

Towards the end of vital negotiations on a peace treaty with the Cardassians, Vedek Bareil's shuttle is severely damaged near the station, and he is close to death. Bashir incorporates some remarkably unorthodox treatments, though his efforts ultimately fail to save his life.

This is pretty grim viewing indeed, not the sorrowful tones of the story, but in how 'crap' it is basically. And a story thread involving a positronic brain is a little beyond what most Trek fans would accept as plausible. In many ways, one can't help but not empathise with the situation involving his death, nor with Kira's bereavement, for the whole delivery fails in any kind of impact as one's attention drifted away some time after the opening credits rolled, so the episode and it's story makes you not really care, I'm sorry to say. Some medical dramas in Star Trek have provided some good episodes over the years, though on the whole the use of this as a primary plot device has produced varied results. Ship (or station) wide viruses and epidemics are by no means original and fresh as a principle storyline, nor are individual health dilemmas which invariably involve the Doctor rushing around in a race against time to come up with something. The TNG episode 'Shades of Grey' for instance compares with this show in regards to how uninteresting it is. On the upside in the genre 'The Quickening' springs to mind as being okay, and 'Ethics' had some interesting moments.... So summing up, I regret to say that in this Trekker's opinion this installment doesn't really deserve the energy it takes to get up and place the tape in the VCR's loader. A big disappointment in an otherwise impressive third season. Leave it on the shelf with the other nine in this list.

Whilst executing the rescue of crash survivors on planet Angel One the Enterprise crew (the males thereof) face a difficult and uncooperative time from the predominantly female civilisation.

A blatant and painfully obvious attempt to represent and portray a female dominated society where males are basically treated as lower life-forms. This would have been fine in the TOS era, but during the eighties it was a tired and kitsch subject and this episode neither convinces, entertains, or even on a limited level engage the brain. Even as a first season episode it is weak, for it just comes across as being preachy, tacky, and antiquated in concept, as if it were something out of a low budget sixties B-Movie. And as I say above, it really does feel like a third season episode of TOS, but TNG's season one was heavily geared to allegory shows. In my opinion though, this matriarchal society is I'm sure in some ways insulting to women, as Mistress Beata governed as bad as any unenlightened despot male, so the episode in many ways misses its point entirely. And yet again the subplot involves a ship-wide epidemic. But the mention of an emergency involving Romulan incursions in the Neutral Zone that the Enterprise is desperate to respond to is infinitely more interesting, and one wishes that this episode's slot was spent there instead. I am not an anti-feminist in any way, I simply believe this to be an inferior hour of Star Trek, and the morality message behind this episode fails with its delivery. I believe that Gene Roddenberry's short lived 'Planet Earth' which involved a similar matriarchal society where males are sold and bred, and used as labourers in a post World War III environment to be a much better rendition of this allegory. But regarding 'Angel One', avoid at all costs.

On the discovery of some unusual creatures living in the vacuum of space, Kes begins her reproductive cycle, (known on Ocampa as the 'Elogium'), and it starts to accelerate which in turn endangers her chances of bearing children.

This was a kind of nothing episode, as the story held very little in the way of depth or interest. I always thought the Ocampa to be fairly unconvincing as an invented race anyway. Fine, they live only 9 years -plausible. Their methods of reproduction are utterly alien and quite bizarre -plausible. They posses extra-sensory capabilities, which amongst other things allow them to communicate via thought transposition -plausible. They look identical to human beings, accept for the slight odd looking ears -not plausible. If a race is going to be all of the above, complete with falling out of fertilization sacks fully grown, they should look far more alien than this. I think one of Voyager's primary failings during those first couple of seasons were its rather boring and unimaginative crinkled-forehead-or-nose-bridge-of-the-week type aliens, and their insipid storylines. And Kes I'm afraid was one of them, Neelix the other, and for him to have a girlfriend that was only two years old was weird enough, but it became downright annoying, I mean, what did she see in him anyway? This episode is basically a further examination of the Ocampan race, and as they aren't convincing or interesting, dooms this episode from the start.

In an attempt to entertain Naomi Wildman whilst her mother is missing on a away mission, Seven takes her to the holodeck. There they visit the tales of Flotter and his storybook adventures.

Once upon a time, there was a terrible disaster on the USS Voyager. The dreaded Naomi Wildman arrived, and ever after she walked the ship's corridors putting fear and loathing into all.... Just horrid this one, similar to 'Imaginary Friend', by way of involving another irritating children's story. I have invented a concept analogous to the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition. Being secondary to Starfleet Directives, there is the 'The Starfleet Rules of Starship Exploration'. There is one rule: #1) Starships and children don't mix. Period. This installment was a miserable horror for all watching, unless they were 8 years old. Star Trek is not a damn children's program! Time and again we've heard it, and time and again I'll agree with it, for invariably kid shows on Star Trek end up being patronising and mawkish, and If there are still people out there (like the BBC) who think Trek is aimed more at kids, (they give it kid time slots), then this episode will do nothing to deter that assumption. I mean, how many children based shows did TOS have? Not many, and certainly no children walked the corridors of the first Enterprise, and I like most other Trek fans watched it avidly as a child, and I certainly then had no desires to see the introduction of kids aboard the ship and whole episodes surrounding them. I wanted to see Kirk, Spock and co. having adventures with strange life-forms on weird and wonderful planets. The two worlds of Trek and children are entirely separate and are not compatible. Some of the worst moments of TNG involved Wesley's pre-pubescent shenanigans, with him saving the ship as if he were far smarter than seasoned adult officers who'd been through the academy and had years of experience behind them. Eventually he grew up and left much to everyone's relief...  But with 'Once Upon A Times' I can't really judge the actual story and production values to be poor, because they're not, they're excellent, that's why this episode isn't higher up the list. But why have they given so much in the way of the show's budget to what is basically a pointless, irrelevant episode? It's the subject matter which is so unacceptable and inappropriate for Star Trek. And it is this that I'm vehemently against. Sorry Naomi, please disappear below decks and into the background, or wander into the nearest airlock, for you and your stories will not win new Star Trek fans, even amongst kids, or improve Voyager as a show. 

Naomi shouldn't be trusted anyway, she's part Ktarian. Remember TNG's 'The Game'? In that episode the Ktarians tried to passify and take over the whole Federation !!

THE WORST OF THE REST

There are several others that did not make the list, from each series. But as I explained earlier, I did not include TOS episodes in this rating system, as it cannot be equally judged alongside contemporary Trek. But I will still list below a few TOS clunkers, but they cannot be included on the list above. The episodes highlighted are in no particular order.

The Original Series	The Next Generation	Deep Space Nine	Voyager
'The Alternative Factor'	'Code Of Honor'	'Move Along Home'	'Innocence'
'Spock's Brain'	'The Dauphin'	'Meridian'	'Sacred Ground'
'The Way To Eden'	'The Bonding'	'Heart of Stone'	'Lineage'
'Catspaw'	'Hero Worship'	'Fascination'	'The Fight'
	'Aquiel'	'Facets'	'11:59'
	'Inheritance'	'Let He Who Is Without Sin'	'Barge of The Dead'
	'Masks' (see 'Emergence' above)

THE TOP 50 STAR TREK EPISODES OF ALL TIME

Below are links to brief episode listings for each of these series.